Winter started out with christmas trees, mulled wine, hot choc drinks, squash soups and layers of clothing( viz freedom from body hair removal) . All new and shiny to a tropical creature like me. After 2 months of it, however, I often found myself lying on my bed staring at the ceiling late into the morning, contemplating if I should get up or not. My mood as well as my thoughts went blank and black. Sometimes I would notice it and try to shake it off. But every time it stubbornly settled back on my hunched back like a big, dark vulture.
I had nothing to talk about and looked forlornly for the happy self I used to be. All of a sudden a small event like taking a walk would flip my day and make me light again. The whole cycle repeated sporadically. I dreaded creeping up of the now-familiar feeling of heavy sadness to fill a dark sky filled with Dementors inside me.
I wasn’t lonely, stressed out, homesick, ill or constantly PMSing. But my appetite suffered and we can’t have that now, can we? As a way of fighting back, I tried to keep track of triggers that caused this demarcation of energy/mood levels.
I am lucky enough to have good, selfless people around me. I reached out to them and talked about it. I was worried and confused. Some told me to check with a doctor and I did. I went through a blood test, was told I was deficient in B12 and started taking supplements for that. Did my mood swings stop? Nope.
I approached the doctor again and this time she told me it could be a plethora of reasons. It could be diet or the reality of emigration slowly sinking in or just plain old winter blues. Because she deemed I wasn’t suicidal, just a bit mopey, she told me to wait it out.
Guess what! It was the winter blues! Now winter is out of the door and sunny days are playing peek-a-boo. My mood swings have disappeared and my appetite is flourishing again. It makes me realize how vulnerable and clueless I was/am. I had calculated and recalculated all the financial, cultural and psychological perils of emigration. Winter blues never made it to the list.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR …
End of the cold dark snowy days
End of the cold dark snowy days that got me all mopey
End of the cold dark snowy days that got me all mopey, but grateful for the people that I have and who have me.